ohmygoshijustsentanapplicationtogotoafricathissummer!
Look what grades do to me. I hate grades with a passion, as all my dedicated (1) blog followers will remember from last time. So I take "brain-breaks". Generally this is going to Amazon.com and buying lots of random books that I want to read, and the reward for finishing grades is getting lots of packages for the following 2 weeks.
Well, this time I have too many books and it would not be fulfilling to add more to the pile....so.....you know. I applied to go to Africa with this group that sounds reliable and trustworthy and safe.
I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU MY EXCITEMENT. This, applying, is a step out of my comfort zone alone. I ache to get out of it sometimes. And my heart is in humanitarian work beyond the walls of my classroom...so maybe this will be my opportunity!
I've got 1/2 the cost covered w/o selling my house. I've got to think about the other 1/2. I've got a smidge in savings but'd rather not touch it, but add to it. You know. Any ideas?
WAHOO!
Grades suck. But I love how they make me reward myself in interesting ways =o)
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
John Williams Rocks.
I have watched this a hundred times and can't get over how gorgeous it is. Always been a fan of Williams and Perlman. Yo Yo Ma and particularly the clarinetist makes it fun for me to watch, too. Someday I want to be in the Utah Symphony or Orchestra on Temple Square! (For now I should practice enough to play my parts fairly decent in the WJ Symphony =o) )
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Seeking Harmony and Thinking "Outloud"
A little while ago two of my friends invited people to a Family Home Evening of their unique design. They are fun, interesting, knowledge seeking, innovative thinkers who go through their lives--in my observation--seeking meaning, seeking ways they can make contributions in the lives of others, seeking purpose, and seeking joy--both their own, and the joy of others (which is what I observe they find their joy in). (And sometimes seeking to make people as uncomfortable as possible, because they think they're "funny" like that. =oP)
Anywho. This FHE was a result of experiences they've had at conferences they've participated in. They collected the highlights and wanted to share it with their friends (and loved ones--which is why I was invited. jk.)
The thing that's stayed with me, weeks later, was their question...what is the underlying question I ask myself that motivates everything I do? What is my 'narrative'? What is my drive/intent/purpose/motive behind my actions everyday? What am I seeking?
And once I know that...is it healthy? In what ways could I modify it to achieve better results in my life?
Well, I metacognitively observed what I believe is my driving question. It motivates me to do my best, but also seems to be the cause of my impatience--in life, and sometimes with people--but mostly the unnacceptance of myself with my imperfections. The nagging feelings of "not being enough" might not come from "outside", I just realized. They probably come from my own underlying question. The incongruity between my expectations for myself and my "performance". I don't meet my *own* expectations. Huh. I think that's right.
Well, I read tonight some questions I'd rather ask:
"What could I do and what experiences could I engage in that would give me a broader understanding of human suffering as well as human joy?"
"How can I become more sensitive to the problems in life as well as the triumphs, the sorrows as well as the joys, the failures as well as the successes?"
The author then says: "By answering those questions and then following through on the answers, you will greatly enhance your ability to touch somebody else."
Who doesn't want to enhance their ability to touch somebody else?
I like these questions because it takes the "perfection" out of my previous underlying question. Drive for perfection is good--it is motivating. But let's face it...it's discouraging, too. I will never get there. Though I believe God commanded us to "be ye therefore perfect", I know it is only possible through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It is impossible for me based on my own merits. If my underlying question is 'Am I doing the most effective thing with my time?", "How can I handle this situation perfectly?", I will fail. And I will fail everyday. I can't run without recharging my batteries. I can't be everything to everyone. I can't say the perfect thing in every situation and know the outcome of my influence today will change a life. I can't be perfect everyday. (Though President Hinckley said we can be perfect in our tithing and in our prayers. I'm still learning what that means to be perfect in my prayers.) I can't know that the situation I'm choosing to be in, the thing I'm choosing right now to spend my time on, the thing I'm saying right now, is the ultimate, most important/impactful/vital thing I could be doing at this second. That is out of my control.
So, I like these new questions because I don't have to be impatient with setbacks anymore. I don't have to be frustrated when things "come up". It accepts that life has sorrows and pains and setbacks. It acknowledges them honestly. And I believe that humbles the drive for perfection. It gets put in a more realistic place. It changes the joyful aspects of life, too--it's not a farce, not ignorant or rose-colored--but sincere, deeper, and perhaps more realistic (as opposed to Hollywood-ized).
I do believe "man is that [we] might have joy"! I believe that my outlook effects my thinking, and will eventually seep through to my actions. Who we are inside cannot be hid. It comes out, and by our fruits we shall know each other. I am grateful that I can change--I'm grateful that's part of the gospel plan, and that we have been given the gift of agency, to direct our lives as we choose!
I hope that I can develop the best underlying/motivating question so that I can be an instrument in God's hands for good in my life. I feel like I have so much to learn and I get impatient and frustrated with myself.
Just noticed that even after all this, my "motive" for changing my driving question is...for...perfection...developing the most effective and perfect question to live my life by. Which...is still the old underlying question. Looks like I haven't changed much yet! Sigh. There's always work to do.
I'm going to bed. =oP
Anywho. This FHE was a result of experiences they've had at conferences they've participated in. They collected the highlights and wanted to share it with their friends (and loved ones--which is why I was invited. jk.)
The thing that's stayed with me, weeks later, was their question...what is the underlying question I ask myself that motivates everything I do? What is my 'narrative'? What is my drive/intent/purpose/motive behind my actions everyday? What am I seeking?
And once I know that...is it healthy? In what ways could I modify it to achieve better results in my life?
Well, I metacognitively observed what I believe is my driving question. It motivates me to do my best, but also seems to be the cause of my impatience--in life, and sometimes with people--but mostly the unnacceptance of myself with my imperfections. The nagging feelings of "not being enough" might not come from "outside", I just realized. They probably come from my own underlying question. The incongruity between my expectations for myself and my "performance". I don't meet my *own* expectations. Huh. I think that's right.
Well, I read tonight some questions I'd rather ask:
"What could I do and what experiences could I engage in that would give me a broader understanding of human suffering as well as human joy?"
"How can I become more sensitive to the problems in life as well as the triumphs, the sorrows as well as the joys, the failures as well as the successes?"
The author then says: "By answering those questions and then following through on the answers, you will greatly enhance your ability to touch somebody else."
Who doesn't want to enhance their ability to touch somebody else?
I like these questions because it takes the "perfection" out of my previous underlying question. Drive for perfection is good--it is motivating. But let's face it...it's discouraging, too. I will never get there. Though I believe God commanded us to "be ye therefore perfect", I know it is only possible through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It is impossible for me based on my own merits. If my underlying question is 'Am I doing the most effective thing with my time?", "How can I handle this situation perfectly?", I will fail. And I will fail everyday. I can't run without recharging my batteries. I can't be everything to everyone. I can't say the perfect thing in every situation and know the outcome of my influence today will change a life. I can't be perfect everyday. (Though President Hinckley said we can be perfect in our tithing and in our prayers. I'm still learning what that means to be perfect in my prayers.) I can't know that the situation I'm choosing to be in, the thing I'm choosing right now to spend my time on, the thing I'm saying right now, is the ultimate, most important/impactful/vital thing I could be doing at this second. That is out of my control.
So, I like these new questions because I don't have to be impatient with setbacks anymore. I don't have to be frustrated when things "come up". It accepts that life has sorrows and pains and setbacks. It acknowledges them honestly. And I believe that humbles the drive for perfection. It gets put in a more realistic place. It changes the joyful aspects of life, too--it's not a farce, not ignorant or rose-colored--but sincere, deeper, and perhaps more realistic (as opposed to Hollywood-ized).
I do believe "man is that [we] might have joy"! I believe that my outlook effects my thinking, and will eventually seep through to my actions. Who we are inside cannot be hid. It comes out, and by our fruits we shall know each other. I am grateful that I can change--I'm grateful that's part of the gospel plan, and that we have been given the gift of agency, to direct our lives as we choose!
I hope that I can develop the best underlying/motivating question so that I can be an instrument in God's hands for good in my life. I feel like I have so much to learn and I get impatient and frustrated with myself.
Just noticed that even after all this, my "motive" for changing my driving question is...for...perfection...developing the most effective and perfect question to live my life by. Which...is still the old underlying question. Looks like I haven't changed much yet! Sigh. There's always work to do.
I'm going to bed. =oP
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