Thankful

There's so much to be thankful for!
Things I'm thankful for today:
*Tender mercies
*Sisters
*My wonderful family
*Loving parents--my dad's time, talks & wisdom; my mom's kindness, singing and encouragment.
*Jeff
*the times I have felt and have known God's love for me.
*My beautiful home
*the little children who heave been entrusted to my care this school year
*that I know God is working in me, and though I have at times felt stretched beyond my capacity, I can look back and know I have grown. Growth is a gift. Though it doesn't come easy.
*My life. It is a gift. I know good things are to come, and I feel like I'm pulling out of the storm. I am thankful for hope.
*A lot more in my heart <3
*Blessings that are to come.

Solitude

Wearing jeans, and happily so, I drove up Big Cottonwood canyon this morning (Saturday, 8/29) to the Garbett's cabin in Solitude. There, in the beautiful setting of the mountains, and surrounded by forest (much like my home in Washington where I grew up), my family gathered to honor my father and celebrate his life.

The peaceful drive by myself listening to piano music and soaking in every bit of the gorgeous canyon and rushing water calmed me immensely. I feel like it prepared me for closure. Not "getting" to see either of my parents after they passed away is okay with me. But these meetings with my family are my healing, enabling me to let go and be at peace. This one in particular--surely so much of it being that I was so pleased to be in jeans =o)--was soul-filling. It was comfortable. We cried, but we also laughed. It was perfect.

I cannot express to you how much I love my parents. They were not perfect. But they were the perfect parents for me. They loved God and they loved each other--they were devoted to Him and each other always. They loved me unconditionally.

I realized this powerfully when one day last year a friend asked me, (in reference to a conference he'd gone to and was trying to explain to me) "...For instance, what did you feel like you had to do to be loved/accepted by your dad?" I thought. I thought. "...Nothing." My friend needed a response of some sort to go on with his point and he asked again, kind of incredulously. "Nothing," I said again. "Maybe...(in an effort to give him something to work with)...be smart. But...really. Nothing. He always loved me. I didn't have to do or be anything other than who I am." And I meant it. And I realized powerfully then that I have been blessed with unconditional love from my parents. Even on the hard days, or in our imperfect interactions in our relationship, I knew they loved me. I knew it.

And I know they knew I loved (love) them. Aaron, my brother, said today that even if we didn't send that last card, even if we didn't go visit that last time...he knew we love him. (Nice to hear, as I found a card the other day that I meant to send him for Father's Day this year...a little girl's feet on her dad's feet as he danced..."You've been a wonderful father every step of the way!"...the perfect card that I wanted him to have.)

What a gift.

I got this message today from an old friend in my single's ward in Provo. She didn't know today was dad's memorial, but it came on the perfect day. Forgive me if it seems self-aggrandizing, but it was so perfectly timed, and so fulfilling that things come back around full circle, I just want to share it (and I didn't know back then her feelings on it):

"Subject: To My Beautiful Friend

VeNicia,

"I have learned of your loss through your facebook postings and I wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers. Although we have not spoken in many years I send my love to you and my condolences for the loss of your parents.

"Another reason for this message is because on April 15, 2000 you presented me with a book that you had made (called Nicia's Mark, like Hallmark :)) and you sent it around our ward for people to sign as I had lost my grandfather whom I loved dearly. As I write this I am looking at it as I have kept it all these years. It is so very dear to my heart and has brought me so much comfort. It was also of great comfort for me when my mother passed away a year later.

"The theme for the book was based on a General Conference given by President Monson entitled Think to Thank, October 1998. I wish to share the same story to you:

"The little toy dog is covered with dust,
But sturdy and staunch he stands;
And the little toy soldier is red with rust,
And his musket moulds in his hands.
Time was when the little toy dog was new,
And the soldier was passing fair,
And that was the time when our Little Boy Blue
Kissed them and put them there.
"Now, don't you go till I come," he said,
"And don't you make any noise!"
So toddling off to his trundle-bed
He dreamt of the pretty toys.
And as he was dreaming, an angel song
Awakened our Little Boy Blue,--
Oh, the years are many, the years are long,
But the little toy friends are true!
Ay, faithful to Little Boy Blue they stand,
Each in the same old place,
Awaiting the touch of a little hand,
The smile of a little face.
And they wonder, as waiting the long years through,
In the dust of that little chair,
What has become of our Little Boy Blue
Since he kissed them and put them there.

"The little toy dog and the soldier fair may wonder, but God in His infinite mercy has not left grieving loved ones to wonder. He has provided truth. He will inspire an upward reach, and His outstretched arms will embrace you. Jesus promises to one and all who grieve, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you not as the world giveth, I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid."-John 14:27.

"I hope the message you shared with me over 9 years ago will offer you comfort as it continues to do for me today.

"VeNicia, know that you are loved by so many and your love of life and positive energy inspires and touches everyone who knows you. Thank you for being such a good friend. You have a special place in my heart.

With love,
Regina"

We each take our turns, don't we? I had no idea the heartache she was experiencing, but I saw her in it and had to do something--a book of my art next to that poem seemed so inadequate, but all I could do.

Now I feel that heartache immensely, and am so comforted by her message and the people around me. I am here to tell you that little things, seemingly unrelated things, they matter. They make a difference--a HUGE difference.

I'm learning to trust the promptings I feel in my heart that are from God, as I see other people act on little things and recognizing how impactful they truly are on me during my hard things. I want to err on the side of acting on anything that could be a prompting from God, because if there is any good I can do in this day I aim to do it! And I want Him to trust me, that I will act when He shows me how I can be an instrument in His hands. In this way I am learning the language of revelation. Slowly, but I'm learning it. I want to master it. I want to be a tool in God's hands, worn out in His service. I want Him to keep talking to me, and to do so more. I have lots of questions. I just feel that if I want Him to keep talking with me and answering them, I'd sure better act on the things He's already told me.

I just need to slow down and listen more.

The temple is the perfect place to do that.

I will miss going to the temple with my dad. I feel like I'm postponing bed right now because before bed is when I would call him, every night [almost] after Mama died, and we'd debrief our days and tell each other goodnight. "Thank you for calling me. Don't forget, somebody around here loves you," he would tell me. "I love you, too, Dad." "Call me tomorrow." "I will." "Call me anytime. You are always welcome in my life (what he would always tell my mama). "Thank you, Daddy. I love you."

I miss you so much Dad. I ache to hear your voice. But everyday since I found out you passed away, I can hear you still. I know what you would say. I feel your comfort still. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for always, always loving me. Thank you for being the stalwart example of Faith that I will always look to. I loved your prayers and I will miss them. I loved your stories and poems. I loved your unique way of phrasing things and expressing yourself. I love you immensely. I am proud of you for how much you changed and grew in your lifetime. Even in mine. Especially for being the solid Red that you were =o) I am so happy for you to be with Mama. I will live my life so I will see you again.

What Are We Gonna Do About It?

So I realize he's debatable, (in more ways than I know about, honestly) but I like how Gordon Brown wrapped up his speech yesterday:

It’s said that in ancient Rome that when Cicero spoke to his audiences people used to turn to each other and say, about Cicero, “Great speech.” But it is said that in ancient Greece that when Demosthenes spoke to his audiences, people turned to each other and didn’t say “Great speech,” they said, “Let’s march.” We should be marching towards a global society.”

It's exactly what Elder Oaks said in his talk I listened to yesterday morning (re-listened to his CES broadcast of 2005):

My friend said someone told him, “I surely enjoyed your talk.” We agreed that this is not the kind of comment we like to receive. As my friend said, “I didn’t give that talk to be enjoyed. What does he think I am, some kind of entertainer?” Another member of our quorum joined the conversation by saying, “That reminds me of the story of a good minister. When a parishioner said, ‘I surely enjoyed your sermon today,’ the minister replied, ‘In that case, you didn’t understand it.’”

You may remember that this April conference I spoke on pornography. No one told me they “enjoyed” that talk—not one! In fact, there was nothing enjoyable in it even for me. I speak of these recent conversations to teach the principle that a message given by a General Authority at a general conference—a message prepared under the influence of the Spirit to further the work of the Lord—is not given to be enjoyed. It is given to inspire, to edify, to challenge, or to correct. It is given to be heard under the influence of the Spirit of the Lord, with the intended result that the listener learns from the talk and from the Spirit what he or she should do about it.

Joseph Smith said that we are taught correct principles then are left to govern ourselves.

I believe that's how God works in our lives. We can learn as fast as we have the capacity and desire to take things in. We can seek learning as fast as we want it and can take it. There's a ton of information, and we sort it for truth. The truth will resonate with our spirits and by it's fruit we shall know it...that is, when we apply it in our lives, does it yield goodness? Or heaviness? Confusion? Or enlightenment? Does it open doors to other great opportunities? Or does it make you feel stuck? Truth is light and knowledge, it brings excitement to our lives, and it feels good. Going forward in it feels good. Though what's in front of us may be unknown, we feel propelled with a desire to know it and a faith that our day, everything in our lives, is unfolding in absolute perfection. We feel hopeful. That is the effects of Truth. Discouragement, fear, heaviness...if that's what's prevalent (and I think it is for all of us at some point(s) in our lives)...then we have to stop ourselves and see where we are not listening to voices of truth, and perhaps even listening to untruths.

I tell myself untruths all the time. I have been working really hard on catching myself in those thoughts and reframing my thinking. One example: when I get ready in the morning and have time to let my brain wander wherever it will. That's a time when I start feeling down about myself and beating myself up about my imperfections. SO. On my mirror in dry-erase marker I've been writing positive affirmations and quotes & things I like--the ones that specifically counter my untruths that I sometimes listen to--the ones satan pelts at me (I refuse to capitalize his name).

Anywho, I digress. Truth is all around us. Once it resonates with us, once we learn something, it's time to take action on it. What are we gonna do about the truths God shows us TODAY?!?!

Can't... Fo..C..u..S...!

My brain is on overload. All with stuff I am thoroughly fascinated by and interested in...I think I have ADD (don't tell Jacob) because I want to do it all and am too excited to focus long on only one of these things!

Challenge Based Learning--http://ali.apple.com/cbl/
I am exceptionally interested in teaching both Character-based and Challenge-based Learning modalities and want to reform education in my classroom for the next school year! Do I have time today to study all I want to about it? No.

Why?

Because I'm planning my trip to the other side of the WORLD!! I'll be traveling Sunday & Monday...and on Monday night I will be exploring Dubai!! THE Dubai. United Arab Emirates Dubai. I already want to spend more time there than I will have. Then, because it's a "forced stop-over", the airline will pay for my shuttle to the hotel they're also paying for...

...and the next morning I will travel to Uganda!! THE Uganda. Africa Uganda. Where I will be met by people who will take me to the guest house at St. Moses Primary School, where 240 of my kiddos have been pen-pal-ing, thanks to my Clint friend who I can't thank enough (even though I'm not always perfect at showing it). 700 kids, and 1/2 of them are AIDS orphans. My heart already goes out to them, but that's not enough. I need to do something about it. So I want to see them in their daily life and learn what their needs are and learn the best and most meaningful ways that I, and perhaps the kids at my school, can contribute to their success. I'm learning about what that means, to sincerely listen, and not be the white person who goes in thinking they have a solution, and it turns out it wasn't what was really needed or even wanted. I'm excited to learn this. And can't do it fast enough.

I will then have a most amazing weekend joining up with a girl I'm only briefly acquainted with so far, but am growing to admire immensely. She has been the country director for Uganda with HELP International, and though I'm not over there officially with them, has invited me to stay at their house with other mzungus (white peeps) and join them on their projects!!

That weekend, though, we will be taking a 10-hr bus ride to RWANDA!! THE Rwanda. Paul Rususagabina, Rwanda (who I skipped school a couple years ago to see speak at a BYU forum). We will see some sites that I'm sure will be powerful and life-changing...mentality-changing, I'm expecting. And I'm so ready for that to happen.

Before I can go, however, I must finish my application to the Masters of Education program that I can apply my newly completed ESL endorsement to...already finished 1/3 of it!! The deadline will pass while I'm gone. So I have to hurry and decided right now if I'm applying to the regular Masters of Ed program, or administration emphasis...which is only 6 credits more...but if I decided in the future to get it, after only doing the regular one right now, then it would be 33 more credits, plus licensure. Yeah, I just decided. I need to do all of it now! Except...that would mean committing to this program longer than I want to be in America...maybe they'll let me finish it overseas.

Why?

Because the second masters I want is in Europe, called the Masters of International Humanitarian Action. And I started the process--submitted all the online stuff--last year, but the timing wasn't right. Well, this year it is. I'll apply now for the 2010-2011 school year, in time for the Erasmus Mundus scholarship, which will pay for ALL of it!! ALL, all of it.

In the next couple weeks I will get to fish on an island in Lake Victoria. I want to see the source of the Nile where Gandhi had some of his ashes sent. I want to white water raft on the Nile. I want to mostly spend time in the daily life and learn about these people. I want to play Ninja Destruction with the kids at St. Moses. I want my brain to be expanded beyond what I've experienced. I want my eyes to be opened and my heart to be touched and I want to continue to be propelled toward my dreams. I feel it in my bones that I have been, always have been, but feel like I've been on the fast track these last couple years. I feel empowered to make of my life what I dream it to be. And why wait? I feel so motivated to learn all I can and make it happen...the sooner the better.

Plus there's a couple hundred books on my summer to-read list. Good thing there's a long plane ride =o)

Thought from the Tao

I read from the Tao te Ching (Lao Tzu) when I'm eating at home (which I sometimes do...when I remember).

I liked this verse this morning (this afternoon--when I remembered to eat breakfast):

"You can readily recognize the highest virtuousness
because it never places itself on display.
You can readily recognize the lowest virtuousness
because it is always announcing itself.

"The highest virtue quietly serves universal needs.
The lowest virtue actively strives for personal success.
The highest morality serves common needs.
The lowest morality is self-serving.

"True benevolence
acts without intention...

"Natural persons are attracted
to substance rather than form,
to the nutritious fruit rather than the enticing flower,
to that which dwells deeply within,
rather than to that which clings superficially to the surface."

~Tao te Ching, verse 38

Hugh Jackman is so cool

I saw Wolverine last night. Part of me loves it and part of me really doesn't. I love that in all his bruskness his character always chooses good when it comes right down to it. Even when seemingly justified in his anger he pauses and realizes he still has a choice. (Watch End of the Spear! Completely AWESOME. Reminds me of this message.) I love the old man's reminder of this in the barn scene. And I love his girl. (How often do you get a non-dizty, non-slutty, non-naggy, down-to-earth female role? Awesome. What happens to her? She better show up again...=oP) This is one of the main themes I try to teach my 2nd graders--that you can step back and metacognitively see what's happening and choose to do something good, even when it seems hard. These are the kind of "Hollywood Heroes" I'm glad there are for kids these days. (Or for grown-up kids who...still...love X-Men...(me).)

I love what I feel is the main underlying message--summed up: that in any group of people there are those who choose to do good with their lives, and there are those who don't. Minorities cannot be blanket-statement judged. And shouldn't be blanket-feared, either. Misunderstandings and unfair judgements come from not knowing a person or people. The more we truly know someone, no matter how seemingly different, we will find that there are much more similarities than differences--much more to love than one might at first realize.

It was pretty violent though.

Anyway...I'm looking into some things I want to do with my summer and have found so many cool charities and volunteer groups. This morning I read in NY Times that Hugh Jackman started a contest on Twitter--people would let him know in 140 words or less why he should donate to their favorite charity. He ended up giving $100,000 to these two charities:

Well funded by Saks Fifth Avenue Chicago. from charity: water on Vimeo.

This somehow makes Hugh Jackman even nicer looking. (His eyebrows are so cool.) Don't you think we need more men like Hugh Jackman? Pretty sure we do. =o)

Double Take

So I'm reading this chapter in Building Successful Partnerships: A Guide for Developing Parent and Family Involvement Programs. This section just threw me...it's on breaking down barriers to effective parental involvement in schools...but could, with some minor replacement of nouns, be on breaking down the barriers to building effective relationships. At least, in my inexperience, what I would hope a good relationship would be based on.

Check it:
"...[these] barriers...inhibit the development of genuine trust and respect among parents, teachers and administrators. Open and honest communication is the key to surmounting these barriers. Communication is a necessary component in establishing site-based management teams that are based on mutual trust and respect. It allows PTA leaders, parents, teachers, and administrators to contribute to decisions that affect children. Those involved in the process must overcome their reluctance to listen to views of people with less or more status than they have, and of those whose experience may not seem immediately relevant enough to merit their participation in the process.

"Effective partnerships develop when each partner is respected and empowered to fully participate in the decision-making process. Parents and educators must depend on shared authority in the decision-making process to foster trust and mutual support of each others' efforts to help students succeed. It is crucial to involve parents, either as individuals or as representatives of others, in collaborative decision-making processes on issues from curriculum and course selection to discipline policies and overall school reform measures. "

I'd like to think this is possible in my school...as well as in other aspects of my life in the future!