We Will Stand

A hand reaches out.
A voice is heard.
A prophet's invitation-plea:
"Come stand with us."
Type and shadow of another voice:
"Come follow me."
Woman answers: "I will stand with you!"
"Woman has always stood."
Echoes from corridors of time.
I am woman in the Garden--Mother of all living who
courageously partook that man might be.
I am woman at the stable--Who gently acquiesced that a
God-child might also be.
Will I stand?
Without question I will stand!

I am woman at the well--first to whom Jesus revealed
Himself as Messiah, anxious to alert others of identity
divine.
I am woman-friend of Jesus--in whose home of faith the
dead was raised, disciples taught saving truths sublime.
Will I stand?
Could I do other than stand?

I am woman with the alabaster box--anointing the Savior
unto His burial; lone in recognition that crucifixion is
near.
I am woman at the tomb--asked to deliver the glorious
message that a risen Christ did appear.
Will I stand?
Indeed, I will stand.
In the Garden
At the Cradle
By the Cross
Woman has always stood!

As a woman-disciple I will utilize my love, intellect, and
energy to strengthen my family and then the families of
our society.
As a daughter-disciple I will see selflessness, sacrifice, and
compassion as traits of the Savior; I will focus on
righteousness, service, and wholeness.
As a sister-disciple, I will stand with and I will stand for
His beloved prophets and apostles, and with His
servants all across the Church, just as did my sisters
stand with the Savior, even in the hour of His
humiliation, agony, and death.

Out of my strength I will offer--
A comforting hand
A listening ear
A believing heart
An encouraging word
An unstinting loyalty
A partnership of trust
Will Women stand?
To the last breath.
We will stand!

~Beverly Campbell,
author Eve and the Choice Made in Eden
(Which should be required reading prior to marriage, btw.)

Invictus

I'm VERY excited for the movie coming out about Nelson Mandela and post-apartheid South Africa, and wanted to share the poem. Interestingly, two of the last few books I've read made reference to the poem and I made note to read & memorize it...and seeing the movie posters reminded me of that goal. I'll be putting this in my shower sheet protector to memorize this week! :

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley

What a great and beautiful reminder. I've tried my best to rise above the circumstances of the last three years, and I wish I could say I've been a solid, unwavering pillar of strength through it all. But in all honesty, I've felt weathered and beaten down at times.

Some things I've learned:

• Turn to God first, before seeking any other source for solace. "He, only one", can feed and heal my soul to the depths for which I yearn.

• Emotions connected to the hardest times in our lives circle around. I've beaten myself up (as if I haven't inadvertently been beaten up enough) for feeling down *again* about the *same old* things (and as if feeling bad isn't enough, getting mad at yourself for feeling bad doesn't do any good, either). Ideally, however, the circling around is just further and further apart, and lighter and lighter each time. But having them circle around, in and of itself, is normal. For instance: I think I will miss my parents with an ache of sadness forever. I just didn't get them long enough. I miss them more than I can possibly express. I miss their unconditional love. But I believe, particularly after this first holiday season without either of them, that the aching will be lighter and further apart. Missing them, however, that will just be a part of my life.

• "[I] have been blessed with angels in the flesh", the phrase that came so distinctly and powerfully to my mind, and I know it was the Spirit teaching me. Answers have not come in the way I've asked. (I've learned to ask differently--with more open-ended, "answers will vary", acceptance of God's will vs. mine.) My mom never has come to me. But I know I don't need miraculous experiences to Know. And I do know. God lives. Times can be hard, but He never leaves us comfortless. The trick is to be open. To look, upward, like the beautiful Evergreen Christmas tree from my parent's house that I'm sitting by--always green ("the color of life", my dad would proudly say about our last name) and always reaching upward, every pine reaching out. WE are angels to each other. We need to be alert, we need to know each other, we need to be close to the spirit, we need to listen and "Act on all impressions to do good" (Camilla Kimball <3).

• He sends frequent, though little, witnesses of His love. A lot. Multiple times a day. To the eyes that will see, and the ears that will hear, and mostly...to the hearts that will feel. I love in The Count of Monte Cristo (the movie) where Edmond Dantes, once so wide-eyed excited about life, faithful and so endearingly guileless, begins to turn His back on God, embittered by his undeserved pain and anguish of soul. (That might sound funny so far, but that's not the part I love...I'm getting there =o) ) He even shuns his fiancee, and the sweet love they once shared so uninhibitedly. In one of my favorite scenes, as Edmond in his anguish is verbally shoving aside the very things he wants most--the returned feeling of God's providence & the love of his girl--she responds lovingly and beautifully, gently censuring: "God is everywhere!" And eventually he softens and asks forgiveness for being so embittered, (I think he should have done it *before* he sought out all that revenge, however that just would not make for such an interesting book or movie, I must admit! =o) ), recognizing that God never left him alone. Tender mercies were everywhere. Especially in the unexpected friendship of the priest (Richard Harris! The first and best Dumbledore!). I love it!!

• Through everything that has happened, I've learned that I have within me an "unconquerable soul". I don't know how, and I am, in my surprise, grateful, because I think it's a gift. Goethe says, looking out at the fruit trees in winter, "Who would think those branches would turn green again and blossom? But we hope it; we know it." I AM GREEN, inside, where it counts, beyond the periodic seemingly deadness of my branches, I know my life is turning green again. I hope it; I know it!
  

When Politics are Tiring--A Higher Law

A lot of people put a lot of passion behind their politics. I suppose it is a good thing, as it takes passionate, persistent people with good hearts and who get things done to change the world through all the muck of the political arena as it stands these days.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm an involved citizen. I vote. I attend my neighborhood caucuses. I was even a state delegate in Provo when Huntsman was running (you get all kinds of free bribes...I mean...stuff. You should do it one day.) And I'd like to do it again. But it seems to me that much is lost as people's focus narrows within the realm of politics and they get caught up in the swirl of spewed diatribes and the unfettered gnashing of proverbial teeth. It seems to me that some forget there is a much higher Law, a more beautiful and powerful government that is desecrated, even--and perhaps sometimes especially--by religious people.

Do they not see? How unbecoming of a Christian to belittle a person of another belief or political party. What gives people the right to question another's loyalty to values and principles based on superficiality and un- or ill-informed perceptions of a differing view?

God said the two greatest laws are to 1) Love God and 2) Love others. He didn't say "Love others unless they are a democrat." Or insert whatever group we are biased against.

President Hinckley in an interview with National Press Club:
"Q. Do you work at bringing about change in the way the church is viewed by those outside the church?

"A. Constantly — trying to build understanding. As I indicated in what I said in my talk, ignorance leads to misunderstanding. When we don't know how other people act, what they believe, we view them with suspicion. When we get to know more about them that suspicion turns to appreciation, and I think that is what we are trying to do, trying to accomplish."

I love President Hinckley. I'm sure he wouldn't mind me extending his words here to include people of differing political views. Why are some so quick to say another person isn't a good American or isn't a person of moral integrity if they view things differently? I would postulate that this may likly be a factor in the increasing failure of marriages & families. Anyone who puts in the time to communicate with a person--in sincere humanity and honest intention to understand, NOT with disingenuous, half-hearted interest and thinly-veiled arrogance--will learn that the person likely has, at heart, just as much desire for good in their lives and the lives of their family and loved ones, as well as the good of our nation and world.

Why is that so hard to believe? "For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have?"

Are we not all children of God, hoping for the same mercy, the same love, the same joy...though perhaps in different ways? Does that alone make a person a sinner?

Further in the same interview with my hero, President Hinckley:
"Jack Cushman: I find another political question crept into the deck here.

"President Hinckley: I bet you put it there. (I sure love and miss his forward yet gentle, friendly, and sweet sense of humor and his sincere, fun personality. And depth of soul.)

"Q. It says, Given the platform and positions taken by the Democratic Party, can you be a good church member and a Democrat?

"A. Yes, I think so. (GASP!) (Check my source, I didn't make this up.) I don't know why you couldn't. It depends on what you believe as a Democrat in terms of some things. There are some things we don't subscribe to. We've got lots of Democrats in the church, lots of them, and they are good people. I don't worry about that too much. This is Washington. I better be careful of what I say. Well, we've got a Democratic presidency and another candidate marked out for the future."

(Transcript National Press, Questions and Answers with President Gordon B. Hinckley of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 'Mormons' March 8, 2000). http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,155008723,00.html?pg=7

Critics even accused President Hinckley and, by affiliation, the LDS church, of being pro-partial-birth-abortion solely because Joe Leiberman gives a recommendation on the back of his book, Standing For Something. Surely we can give each other a little more benefit of the doubt, without accusing and assuming, having not talked directly to the person on a specific issue!

It seems to me that to be seen as a good American--around these parts--you have to fit in a particular box. Well, it gets kind of tight when too many cookie cutter-ed opinions get sardine-packed into one box. I know, I'm treading on thin ice with some of my own loved ones, here. But don't get me wrong...again...I love my religion (in it's true form, without all the cultural cling-ons that taint it). I know God lives--I have unmistakably felt His love for me at many points in my life.

Basically, my faith is summed up in the words of Nephi: "I do not know the meaning of all things, but I know God loveth His children." I know He does.

I know there is more love to be felt and joy to experience than we sometimes allow into our lives...because of our limited perspectives, inhibited ways of loving each other, and our own closed-minded ways of not accepting God's offerings which surround us daily--tender mercies, light, enlightenment, beauty, and most especially, love. These come in ways we might not expect, definitely not in the ways we are demanding they be revealed to us. I just feel like people--all of us in general--need to be more open. More open to each other. More open to allowing each other to Be, and to Be differently. More open to forgiving others mistakes and loving people as they are, mistakes and all. More open to receiving all the blessings God has to give us, in whatever form. More open to life, and experiences and people that might not fit our boxes.

Who wants to stay in an unenlightened box of a perspective anyway?! God sees so much more than we do. I want to expand to see it His way, to grow and change and bend--don't get me wrong...again...I don't mean I want to be "blown about by every wind of doctrine", but I do intend on living flexibly, strong-rooted in unchanging principles and God-revealed truths, and I fully intend on "allowing all men [and women] the same privilege".

I finished the Tao te Ching today, and would like to end my soapbox (for now) on the beauty of verse 72:

"When people no longer fear the power of governments,
a far greater empowerment appears--
the Great Integrity--
which never needs to enforce itself.

Then, we will never again be driven from our homes
or be compelled to labor for the benefit of others.
We will all work naturally to fulfill ourselves,
and to meet our community needs.

In the Great Integrity,
we will all love ourselves and all others,
not as compensations for ego deprivations and defilements,
but as natural expressions of our humanity."

Thankful

There's so much to be thankful for!
Things I'm thankful for today:
*Tender mercies
*Sisters
*My wonderful family
*Loving parents--my dad's time, talks & wisdom; my mom's kindness, singing and encouragment.
*Jeff
*the times I have felt and have known God's love for me.
*My beautiful home
*the little children who heave been entrusted to my care this school year
*that I know God is working in me, and though I have at times felt stretched beyond my capacity, I can look back and know I have grown. Growth is a gift. Though it doesn't come easy.
*My life. It is a gift. I know good things are to come, and I feel like I'm pulling out of the storm. I am thankful for hope.
*A lot more in my heart <3
*Blessings that are to come.

Solitude

Wearing jeans, and happily so, I drove up Big Cottonwood canyon this morning (Saturday, 8/29) to the Garbett's cabin in Solitude. There, in the beautiful setting of the mountains, and surrounded by forest (much like my home in Washington where I grew up), my family gathered to honor my father and celebrate his life.

The peaceful drive by myself listening to piano music and soaking in every bit of the gorgeous canyon and rushing water calmed me immensely. I feel like it prepared me for closure. Not "getting" to see either of my parents after they passed away is okay with me. But these meetings with my family are my healing, enabling me to let go and be at peace. This one in particular--surely so much of it being that I was so pleased to be in jeans =o)--was soul-filling. It was comfortable. We cried, but we also laughed. It was perfect.

I cannot express to you how much I love my parents. They were not perfect. But they were the perfect parents for me. They loved God and they loved each other--they were devoted to Him and each other always. They loved me unconditionally.

I realized this powerfully when one day last year a friend asked me, (in reference to a conference he'd gone to and was trying to explain to me) "...For instance, what did you feel like you had to do to be loved/accepted by your dad?" I thought. I thought. "...Nothing." My friend needed a response of some sort to go on with his point and he asked again, kind of incredulously. "Nothing," I said again. "Maybe...(in an effort to give him something to work with)...be smart. But...really. Nothing. He always loved me. I didn't have to do or be anything other than who I am." And I meant it. And I realized powerfully then that I have been blessed with unconditional love from my parents. Even on the hard days, or in our imperfect interactions in our relationship, I knew they loved me. I knew it.

And I know they knew I loved (love) them. Aaron, my brother, said today that even if we didn't send that last card, even if we didn't go visit that last time...he knew we love him. (Nice to hear, as I found a card the other day that I meant to send him for Father's Day this year...a little girl's feet on her dad's feet as he danced..."You've been a wonderful father every step of the way!"...the perfect card that I wanted him to have.)

What a gift.

I got this message today from an old friend in my single's ward in Provo. She didn't know today was dad's memorial, but it came on the perfect day. Forgive me if it seems self-aggrandizing, but it was so perfectly timed, and so fulfilling that things come back around full circle, I just want to share it (and I didn't know back then her feelings on it):

"Subject: To My Beautiful Friend

VeNicia,

"I have learned of your loss through your facebook postings and I wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers. Although we have not spoken in many years I send my love to you and my condolences for the loss of your parents.

"Another reason for this message is because on April 15, 2000 you presented me with a book that you had made (called Nicia's Mark, like Hallmark :)) and you sent it around our ward for people to sign as I had lost my grandfather whom I loved dearly. As I write this I am looking at it as I have kept it all these years. It is so very dear to my heart and has brought me so much comfort. It was also of great comfort for me when my mother passed away a year later.

"The theme for the book was based on a General Conference given by President Monson entitled Think to Thank, October 1998. I wish to share the same story to you:

"The little toy dog is covered with dust,
But sturdy and staunch he stands;
And the little toy soldier is red with rust,
And his musket moulds in his hands.
Time was when the little toy dog was new,
And the soldier was passing fair,
And that was the time when our Little Boy Blue
Kissed them and put them there.
"Now, don't you go till I come," he said,
"And don't you make any noise!"
So toddling off to his trundle-bed
He dreamt of the pretty toys.
And as he was dreaming, an angel song
Awakened our Little Boy Blue,--
Oh, the years are many, the years are long,
But the little toy friends are true!
Ay, faithful to Little Boy Blue they stand,
Each in the same old place,
Awaiting the touch of a little hand,
The smile of a little face.
And they wonder, as waiting the long years through,
In the dust of that little chair,
What has become of our Little Boy Blue
Since he kissed them and put them there.

"The little toy dog and the soldier fair may wonder, but God in His infinite mercy has not left grieving loved ones to wonder. He has provided truth. He will inspire an upward reach, and His outstretched arms will embrace you. Jesus promises to one and all who grieve, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you not as the world giveth, I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid."-John 14:27.

"I hope the message you shared with me over 9 years ago will offer you comfort as it continues to do for me today.

"VeNicia, know that you are loved by so many and your love of life and positive energy inspires and touches everyone who knows you. Thank you for being such a good friend. You have a special place in my heart.

With love,
Regina"

We each take our turns, don't we? I had no idea the heartache she was experiencing, but I saw her in it and had to do something--a book of my art next to that poem seemed so inadequate, but all I could do.

Now I feel that heartache immensely, and am so comforted by her message and the people around me. I am here to tell you that little things, seemingly unrelated things, they matter. They make a difference--a HUGE difference.

I'm learning to trust the promptings I feel in my heart that are from God, as I see other people act on little things and recognizing how impactful they truly are on me during my hard things. I want to err on the side of acting on anything that could be a prompting from God, because if there is any good I can do in this day I aim to do it! And I want Him to trust me, that I will act when He shows me how I can be an instrument in His hands. In this way I am learning the language of revelation. Slowly, but I'm learning it. I want to master it. I want to be a tool in God's hands, worn out in His service. I want Him to keep talking to me, and to do so more. I have lots of questions. I just feel that if I want Him to keep talking with me and answering them, I'd sure better act on the things He's already told me.

I just need to slow down and listen more.

The temple is the perfect place to do that.

I will miss going to the temple with my dad. I feel like I'm postponing bed right now because before bed is when I would call him, every night [almost] after Mama died, and we'd debrief our days and tell each other goodnight. "Thank you for calling me. Don't forget, somebody around here loves you," he would tell me. "I love you, too, Dad." "Call me tomorrow." "I will." "Call me anytime. You are always welcome in my life (what he would always tell my mama). "Thank you, Daddy. I love you."

I miss you so much Dad. I ache to hear your voice. But everyday since I found out you passed away, I can hear you still. I know what you would say. I feel your comfort still. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for always, always loving me. Thank you for being the stalwart example of Faith that I will always look to. I loved your prayers and I will miss them. I loved your stories and poems. I loved your unique way of phrasing things and expressing yourself. I love you immensely. I am proud of you for how much you changed and grew in your lifetime. Even in mine. Especially for being the solid Red that you were =o) I am so happy for you to be with Mama. I will live my life so I will see you again.

What Are We Gonna Do About It?

So I realize he's debatable, (in more ways than I know about, honestly) but I like how Gordon Brown wrapped up his speech yesterday:

It’s said that in ancient Rome that when Cicero spoke to his audiences people used to turn to each other and say, about Cicero, “Great speech.” But it is said that in ancient Greece that when Demosthenes spoke to his audiences, people turned to each other and didn’t say “Great speech,” they said, “Let’s march.” We should be marching towards a global society.”

It's exactly what Elder Oaks said in his talk I listened to yesterday morning (re-listened to his CES broadcast of 2005):

My friend said someone told him, “I surely enjoyed your talk.” We agreed that this is not the kind of comment we like to receive. As my friend said, “I didn’t give that talk to be enjoyed. What does he think I am, some kind of entertainer?” Another member of our quorum joined the conversation by saying, “That reminds me of the story of a good minister. When a parishioner said, ‘I surely enjoyed your sermon today,’ the minister replied, ‘In that case, you didn’t understand it.’”

You may remember that this April conference I spoke on pornography. No one told me they “enjoyed” that talk—not one! In fact, there was nothing enjoyable in it even for me. I speak of these recent conversations to teach the principle that a message given by a General Authority at a general conference—a message prepared under the influence of the Spirit to further the work of the Lord—is not given to be enjoyed. It is given to inspire, to edify, to challenge, or to correct. It is given to be heard under the influence of the Spirit of the Lord, with the intended result that the listener learns from the talk and from the Spirit what he or she should do about it.

Joseph Smith said that we are taught correct principles then are left to govern ourselves.

I believe that's how God works in our lives. We can learn as fast as we have the capacity and desire to take things in. We can seek learning as fast as we want it and can take it. There's a ton of information, and we sort it for truth. The truth will resonate with our spirits and by it's fruit we shall know it...that is, when we apply it in our lives, does it yield goodness? Or heaviness? Confusion? Or enlightenment? Does it open doors to other great opportunities? Or does it make you feel stuck? Truth is light and knowledge, it brings excitement to our lives, and it feels good. Going forward in it feels good. Though what's in front of us may be unknown, we feel propelled with a desire to know it and a faith that our day, everything in our lives, is unfolding in absolute perfection. We feel hopeful. That is the effects of Truth. Discouragement, fear, heaviness...if that's what's prevalent (and I think it is for all of us at some point(s) in our lives)...then we have to stop ourselves and see where we are not listening to voices of truth, and perhaps even listening to untruths.

I tell myself untruths all the time. I have been working really hard on catching myself in those thoughts and reframing my thinking. One example: when I get ready in the morning and have time to let my brain wander wherever it will. That's a time when I start feeling down about myself and beating myself up about my imperfections. SO. On my mirror in dry-erase marker I've been writing positive affirmations and quotes & things I like--the ones that specifically counter my untruths that I sometimes listen to--the ones satan pelts at me (I refuse to capitalize his name).

Anywho, I digress. Truth is all around us. Once it resonates with us, once we learn something, it's time to take action on it. What are we gonna do about the truths God shows us TODAY?!?!

Can't... Fo..C..u..S...!

My brain is on overload. All with stuff I am thoroughly fascinated by and interested in...I think I have ADD (don't tell Jacob) because I want to do it all and am too excited to focus long on only one of these things!

Challenge Based Learning--http://ali.apple.com/cbl/
I am exceptionally interested in teaching both Character-based and Challenge-based Learning modalities and want to reform education in my classroom for the next school year! Do I have time today to study all I want to about it? No.

Why?

Because I'm planning my trip to the other side of the WORLD!! I'll be traveling Sunday & Monday...and on Monday night I will be exploring Dubai!! THE Dubai. United Arab Emirates Dubai. I already want to spend more time there than I will have. Then, because it's a "forced stop-over", the airline will pay for my shuttle to the hotel they're also paying for...

...and the next morning I will travel to Uganda!! THE Uganda. Africa Uganda. Where I will be met by people who will take me to the guest house at St. Moses Primary School, where 240 of my kiddos have been pen-pal-ing, thanks to my Clint friend who I can't thank enough (even though I'm not always perfect at showing it). 700 kids, and 1/2 of them are AIDS orphans. My heart already goes out to them, but that's not enough. I need to do something about it. So I want to see them in their daily life and learn what their needs are and learn the best and most meaningful ways that I, and perhaps the kids at my school, can contribute to their success. I'm learning about what that means, to sincerely listen, and not be the white person who goes in thinking they have a solution, and it turns out it wasn't what was really needed or even wanted. I'm excited to learn this. And can't do it fast enough.

I will then have a most amazing weekend joining up with a girl I'm only briefly acquainted with so far, but am growing to admire immensely. She has been the country director for Uganda with HELP International, and though I'm not over there officially with them, has invited me to stay at their house with other mzungus (white peeps) and join them on their projects!!

That weekend, though, we will be taking a 10-hr bus ride to RWANDA!! THE Rwanda. Paul Rususagabina, Rwanda (who I skipped school a couple years ago to see speak at a BYU forum). We will see some sites that I'm sure will be powerful and life-changing...mentality-changing, I'm expecting. And I'm so ready for that to happen.

Before I can go, however, I must finish my application to the Masters of Education program that I can apply my newly completed ESL endorsement to...already finished 1/3 of it!! The deadline will pass while I'm gone. So I have to hurry and decided right now if I'm applying to the regular Masters of Ed program, or administration emphasis...which is only 6 credits more...but if I decided in the future to get it, after only doing the regular one right now, then it would be 33 more credits, plus licensure. Yeah, I just decided. I need to do all of it now! Except...that would mean committing to this program longer than I want to be in America...maybe they'll let me finish it overseas.

Why?

Because the second masters I want is in Europe, called the Masters of International Humanitarian Action. And I started the process--submitted all the online stuff--last year, but the timing wasn't right. Well, this year it is. I'll apply now for the 2010-2011 school year, in time for the Erasmus Mundus scholarship, which will pay for ALL of it!! ALL, all of it.

In the next couple weeks I will get to fish on an island in Lake Victoria. I want to see the source of the Nile where Gandhi had some of his ashes sent. I want to white water raft on the Nile. I want to mostly spend time in the daily life and learn about these people. I want to play Ninja Destruction with the kids at St. Moses. I want my brain to be expanded beyond what I've experienced. I want my eyes to be opened and my heart to be touched and I want to continue to be propelled toward my dreams. I feel it in my bones that I have been, always have been, but feel like I've been on the fast track these last couple years. I feel empowered to make of my life what I dream it to be. And why wait? I feel so motivated to learn all I can and make it happen...the sooner the better.

Plus there's a couple hundred books on my summer to-read list. Good thing there's a long plane ride =o)