At the Gate of the Year

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:
'Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the unknown!'
And he replied:
'Go out into the darkness and put your hand in to the
Hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.'

~From "The Gate of the Year," Masterpieces of Religious Verse (1948), 92

Just treading into the unknown, again.
Like we all do.
Things were going along nicely 'til I made a plan, as Dad would say.
Things pretty much never go like I think they should.

But the choice is to let it beat me down or "Round up [my] shoulders and stand under it like [a woman]," as Joseph Smith would say.

Elder Holland gave a great talk at the BYU Devotional last January called "Remember Lot's Wife," that I just listened to one morning last week, and interestingly, it's out in this month's Ensign magazine retitled: "The Best is Yet to Be". (Which reminds me of Dad, by the way. He'd always tell me to expect good things. The best is in front of me. I sure love my Dad <3 )

In this talk he spoke of Lot's wife looking back at the city they were leaving. She got in trouble for it. Whether her turning into a pillar of salt is literal or figurative, I don't know, to be honest. But I do believe that God is teaching us that looking back longingly, our "attachment to the past outweighing our confidence in the future", as Elder Holland puts it, is what we are to avoid.

"FAITH IS ALWAYS POINTED TOWARD THE FUTURE." He said.
"Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will YET be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot's wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought--fatally, as it turned out--that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind."

This implies to me just as obviously, that looking toward the future with FEAR is the equivalent in faithlessness as looking longingly toward something in our past.

Wow. I read that and thought..."Wait a SECond...I don't doubt the Lord's ability to give me something better in the future than the couple of months I've been holding to longingly in the past. Sheesh. Of COURSE He can bless my future as He has my past. So what the heck. Why am I acting this way. Go forward with faith."

I believe it in my heart, so I need to buck up and quit pouting. My actions are looking pretty faithless. If I believe that God can bless my future, I need to stop looking toward it with an element of doubt. And I need to stop longing for something in the past that's not my present.

GRATITUDE is the past tense of FAITH. HOPE is the FUTURE TENSE. Where did I pick that up? I didn't make it up, but it sure touched my heart and stayed with me. IF I HAVE FAITH, then I will look to my past with gratitude. IF I HAVE FAITH, then I will look to my future with hope.

That's just how it is. I choose faith. So.

Bring it on, New Year. Let's see whatchu've got!

Stand tall, you're a daughter of God!

President Gordon B. Hinckley said: "Then as His final creation, the crowning of His glorious work, He created woman. I like to regard Eve as His masterpiece after all that had gone before, the final work before He rested from His labors." (I like that better than...after He created woman he needed a break...)

So, there's a misperception among people, including, surprisingly, some seemingly stalwart members of the church, that Eve disobeyed God, was cast out for sinning, Adam, who would never have done such a thing, and now in a hard position, had to go out after her as he was commanded to be with her, and so Adam (man) was Eve's (woman's) connection to God--that woman seems to be "cast out" further, in some odd twisting of sense, than man is cast out. And so man is the head of his wife and the household.

There are some relationships where the man's expression of his wife being "equal" is a patronizing attempt to smooth over a belief that though she may be a child of God, man's role as priesthood holder is evidence that God entrusted his male children with more. More whatever. More power. More authority.

Excuse the cynicism, here, but heck, I'm not speaking in conference...what a bunch of bull. (And if Jeffrey R. Holland, my hero, can stand in conference and say, "frankly pathetic" in regards to the answers people conjure up about the origins of the Book of Mormon, then I think I should be allowed to call this "a bunch of bull" on my blog. Plus I'm a fan of alliteration.)

Perhaps I'm sensitive to this topic, after being told that I'm a feminist who "won't follow her husband" or "submit" like I'm "supposed to", and if I did then all the things I'm "using as distractions, like trust and communication, would solve themselves."

But I find solace in the interesting twist of "fate" that leads me to read a line of my patriarchal blessing differently now, having experienced that. If I can lay my cynicism aside, I truly am grateful (easier said now than then) for the experience that has led me to seek insight into the divine role of women, our relationship with God, and to a greater desire to understand our roles as wives, mothers, homemakers and church workers. And I hope, to teach that effectively and EARLY to the young women of my stake. And my daughter(s). And sons.

I'm going to share with you what I read tonight--when I did, I felt strong emotions, and an increased understanding of my relationship with God, and consequentially an increased feeling of His love. All women should read this!! (And men.)

"Trusted by God and revered by all the spirits of heaven, Eve was both blessed and burdened with the knowledge this title [Mother of All Living] conveyed. No spirit could come to earth, gain a body, and thereby be allowed to work out his or her own salvation if Eve did not choose to make possible the fall to mortality [which, I'd like to add, led to the Atonement!]...

"...'And I, the Lord God, said unto mine Only Begotten, that it was not good that the man should be alone; wherefore, I will make an help meet for him" (Moses 3:18).

"It seems that some of the original purpose and power the term 'helpmeet' has been lost through the ages. In today's vernacular, 'helpmeet' would seem to indicate a person of lesser stature, a subject, a subordinate. Yet a careful examination of this venerable expression yields an altogether differing meaning.

"...The original text of Geneis 2:18 is even more enlightening. According to biblical scholar David Freeman, the Hebrew word translated there into English as "help" is 'ezer'. This word is a combination of two roots, one meaning "to rescue," "to save," and the other meaning "to be strong," but in time said Freedman, 'ezer' "ws always interpreted as 'to help,' a mixture of both nuances. 'Ezer' appears twenty-one times in the Old Testament.

"...Thus it seems that through imprecise translation, our understanding of the powerful words used originally to describe Eve's role have been diminished. As a result, our understanding of the intended role of Mother Eve has also been diminished. Suppose we had all, male and female alike, been taught to understand Genesis 2:18 as something like the following: "It is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a companion of strength and power who has a saving power and is equal with him."

"...Adam and Eve were not unequally yoked. Eve was created as a suitable partner for Father Adam, the first of the human race on this earth. Created in the exact image of her heavenly parents, Eve came to Adam uniquely prepared to perform her assigned duties, to act as a companion with the first high priest in mortality--to be a partner with him.

"Collectively and individually we would be better served if the correct meaning of our English term 'helpmeet' were well understood and incorporated into our writing, thinking, and speaking. If humankind historically had accepted this more careful and correct interpretation, perhaps attitudes, laws and customs would be different, and the relationships that God intended between men and women, between husband and wife, between women and society would function more easily."

We are daughters of God! Loved just as much as his sons. With divine purpose and individual worth. Don't forget it!

We Will Stand

A hand reaches out.
A voice is heard.
A prophet's invitation-plea:
"Come stand with us."
Type and shadow of another voice:
"Come follow me."
Woman answers: "I will stand with you!"
"Woman has always stood."
Echoes from corridors of time.
I am woman in the Garden--Mother of all living who
courageously partook that man might be.
I am woman at the stable--Who gently acquiesced that a
God-child might also be.
Will I stand?
Without question I will stand!

I am woman at the well--first to whom Jesus revealed
Himself as Messiah, anxious to alert others of identity
divine.
I am woman-friend of Jesus--in whose home of faith the
dead was raised, disciples taught saving truths sublime.
Will I stand?
Could I do other than stand?

I am woman with the alabaster box--anointing the Savior
unto His burial; lone in recognition that crucifixion is
near.
I am woman at the tomb--asked to deliver the glorious
message that a risen Christ did appear.
Will I stand?
Indeed, I will stand.
In the Garden
At the Cradle
By the Cross
Woman has always stood!

As a woman-disciple I will utilize my love, intellect, and
energy to strengthen my family and then the families of
our society.
As a daughter-disciple I will see selflessness, sacrifice, and
compassion as traits of the Savior; I will focus on
righteousness, service, and wholeness.
As a sister-disciple, I will stand with and I will stand for
His beloved prophets and apostles, and with His
servants all across the Church, just as did my sisters
stand with the Savior, even in the hour of His
humiliation, agony, and death.

Out of my strength I will offer--
A comforting hand
A listening ear
A believing heart
An encouraging word
An unstinting loyalty
A partnership of trust
Will Women stand?
To the last breath.
We will stand!

~Beverly Campbell,
author Eve and the Choice Made in Eden
(Which should be required reading prior to marriage, btw.)

Invictus

I'm VERY excited for the movie coming out about Nelson Mandela and post-apartheid South Africa, and wanted to share the poem. Interestingly, two of the last few books I've read made reference to the poem and I made note to read & memorize it...and seeing the movie posters reminded me of that goal. I'll be putting this in my shower sheet protector to memorize this week! :

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley

What a great and beautiful reminder. I've tried my best to rise above the circumstances of the last three years, and I wish I could say I've been a solid, unwavering pillar of strength through it all. But in all honesty, I've felt weathered and beaten down at times.

Some things I've learned:

• Turn to God first, before seeking any other source for solace. "He, only one", can feed and heal my soul to the depths for which I yearn.

• Emotions connected to the hardest times in our lives circle around. I've beaten myself up (as if I haven't inadvertently been beaten up enough) for feeling down *again* about the *same old* things (and as if feeling bad isn't enough, getting mad at yourself for feeling bad doesn't do any good, either). Ideally, however, the circling around is just further and further apart, and lighter and lighter each time. But having them circle around, in and of itself, is normal. For instance: I think I will miss my parents with an ache of sadness forever. I just didn't get them long enough. I miss them more than I can possibly express. I miss their unconditional love. But I believe, particularly after this first holiday season without either of them, that the aching will be lighter and further apart. Missing them, however, that will just be a part of my life.

• "[I] have been blessed with angels in the flesh", the phrase that came so distinctly and powerfully to my mind, and I know it was the Spirit teaching me. Answers have not come in the way I've asked. (I've learned to ask differently--with more open-ended, "answers will vary", acceptance of God's will vs. mine.) My mom never has come to me. But I know I don't need miraculous experiences to Know. And I do know. God lives. Times can be hard, but He never leaves us comfortless. The trick is to be open. To look, upward, like the beautiful Evergreen Christmas tree from my parent's house that I'm sitting by--always green ("the color of life", my dad would proudly say about our last name) and always reaching upward, every pine reaching out. WE are angels to each other. We need to be alert, we need to know each other, we need to be close to the spirit, we need to listen and "Act on all impressions to do good" (Camilla Kimball <3).

• He sends frequent, though little, witnesses of His love. A lot. Multiple times a day. To the eyes that will see, and the ears that will hear, and mostly...to the hearts that will feel. I love in The Count of Monte Cristo (the movie) where Edmond Dantes, once so wide-eyed excited about life, faithful and so endearingly guileless, begins to turn His back on God, embittered by his undeserved pain and anguish of soul. (That might sound funny so far, but that's not the part I love...I'm getting there =o) ) He even shuns his fiancee, and the sweet love they once shared so uninhibitedly. In one of my favorite scenes, as Edmond in his anguish is verbally shoving aside the very things he wants most--the returned feeling of God's providence & the love of his girl--she responds lovingly and beautifully, gently censuring: "God is everywhere!" And eventually he softens and asks forgiveness for being so embittered, (I think he should have done it *before* he sought out all that revenge, however that just would not make for such an interesting book or movie, I must admit! =o) ), recognizing that God never left him alone. Tender mercies were everywhere. Especially in the unexpected friendship of the priest (Richard Harris! The first and best Dumbledore!). I love it!!

• Through everything that has happened, I've learned that I have within me an "unconquerable soul". I don't know how, and I am, in my surprise, grateful, because I think it's a gift. Goethe says, looking out at the fruit trees in winter, "Who would think those branches would turn green again and blossom? But we hope it; we know it." I AM GREEN, inside, where it counts, beyond the periodic seemingly deadness of my branches, I know my life is turning green again. I hope it; I know it!
  

When Politics are Tiring--A Higher Law

A lot of people put a lot of passion behind their politics. I suppose it is a good thing, as it takes passionate, persistent people with good hearts and who get things done to change the world through all the muck of the political arena as it stands these days.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm an involved citizen. I vote. I attend my neighborhood caucuses. I was even a state delegate in Provo when Huntsman was running (you get all kinds of free bribes...I mean...stuff. You should do it one day.) And I'd like to do it again. But it seems to me that much is lost as people's focus narrows within the realm of politics and they get caught up in the swirl of spewed diatribes and the unfettered gnashing of proverbial teeth. It seems to me that some forget there is a much higher Law, a more beautiful and powerful government that is desecrated, even--and perhaps sometimes especially--by religious people.

Do they not see? How unbecoming of a Christian to belittle a person of another belief or political party. What gives people the right to question another's loyalty to values and principles based on superficiality and un- or ill-informed perceptions of a differing view?

God said the two greatest laws are to 1) Love God and 2) Love others. He didn't say "Love others unless they are a democrat." Or insert whatever group we are biased against.

President Hinckley in an interview with National Press Club:
"Q. Do you work at bringing about change in the way the church is viewed by those outside the church?

"A. Constantly — trying to build understanding. As I indicated in what I said in my talk, ignorance leads to misunderstanding. When we don't know how other people act, what they believe, we view them with suspicion. When we get to know more about them that suspicion turns to appreciation, and I think that is what we are trying to do, trying to accomplish."

I love President Hinckley. I'm sure he wouldn't mind me extending his words here to include people of differing political views. Why are some so quick to say another person isn't a good American or isn't a person of moral integrity if they view things differently? I would postulate that this may likly be a factor in the increasing failure of marriages & families. Anyone who puts in the time to communicate with a person--in sincere humanity and honest intention to understand, NOT with disingenuous, half-hearted interest and thinly-veiled arrogance--will learn that the person likely has, at heart, just as much desire for good in their lives and the lives of their family and loved ones, as well as the good of our nation and world.

Why is that so hard to believe? "For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have?"

Are we not all children of God, hoping for the same mercy, the same love, the same joy...though perhaps in different ways? Does that alone make a person a sinner?

Further in the same interview with my hero, President Hinckley:
"Jack Cushman: I find another political question crept into the deck here.

"President Hinckley: I bet you put it there. (I sure love and miss his forward yet gentle, friendly, and sweet sense of humor and his sincere, fun personality. And depth of soul.)

"Q. It says, Given the platform and positions taken by the Democratic Party, can you be a good church member and a Democrat?

"A. Yes, I think so. (GASP!) (Check my source, I didn't make this up.) I don't know why you couldn't. It depends on what you believe as a Democrat in terms of some things. There are some things we don't subscribe to. We've got lots of Democrats in the church, lots of them, and they are good people. I don't worry about that too much. This is Washington. I better be careful of what I say. Well, we've got a Democratic presidency and another candidate marked out for the future."

(Transcript National Press, Questions and Answers with President Gordon B. Hinckley of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 'Mormons' March 8, 2000). http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,155008723,00.html?pg=7

Critics even accused President Hinckley and, by affiliation, the LDS church, of being pro-partial-birth-abortion solely because Joe Leiberman gives a recommendation on the back of his book, Standing For Something. Surely we can give each other a little more benefit of the doubt, without accusing and assuming, having not talked directly to the person on a specific issue!

It seems to me that to be seen as a good American--around these parts--you have to fit in a particular box. Well, it gets kind of tight when too many cookie cutter-ed opinions get sardine-packed into one box. I know, I'm treading on thin ice with some of my own loved ones, here. But don't get me wrong...again...I love my religion (in it's true form, without all the cultural cling-ons that taint it). I know God lives--I have unmistakably felt His love for me at many points in my life.

Basically, my faith is summed up in the words of Nephi: "I do not know the meaning of all things, but I know God loveth His children." I know He does.

I know there is more love to be felt and joy to experience than we sometimes allow into our lives...because of our limited perspectives, inhibited ways of loving each other, and our own closed-minded ways of not accepting God's offerings which surround us daily--tender mercies, light, enlightenment, beauty, and most especially, love. These come in ways we might not expect, definitely not in the ways we are demanding they be revealed to us. I just feel like people--all of us in general--need to be more open. More open to each other. More open to allowing each other to Be, and to Be differently. More open to forgiving others mistakes and loving people as they are, mistakes and all. More open to receiving all the blessings God has to give us, in whatever form. More open to life, and experiences and people that might not fit our boxes.

Who wants to stay in an unenlightened box of a perspective anyway?! God sees so much more than we do. I want to expand to see it His way, to grow and change and bend--don't get me wrong...again...I don't mean I want to be "blown about by every wind of doctrine", but I do intend on living flexibly, strong-rooted in unchanging principles and God-revealed truths, and I fully intend on "allowing all men [and women] the same privilege".

I finished the Tao te Ching today, and would like to end my soapbox (for now) on the beauty of verse 72:

"When people no longer fear the power of governments,
a far greater empowerment appears--
the Great Integrity--
which never needs to enforce itself.

Then, we will never again be driven from our homes
or be compelled to labor for the benefit of others.
We will all work naturally to fulfill ourselves,
and to meet our community needs.

In the Great Integrity,
we will all love ourselves and all others,
not as compensations for ego deprivations and defilements,
but as natural expressions of our humanity."

Thankful

There's so much to be thankful for!
Things I'm thankful for today:
*Tender mercies
*Sisters
*My wonderful family
*Loving parents--my dad's time, talks & wisdom; my mom's kindness, singing and encouragment.
*Jeff
*the times I have felt and have known God's love for me.
*My beautiful home
*the little children who heave been entrusted to my care this school year
*that I know God is working in me, and though I have at times felt stretched beyond my capacity, I can look back and know I have grown. Growth is a gift. Though it doesn't come easy.
*My life. It is a gift. I know good things are to come, and I feel like I'm pulling out of the storm. I am thankful for hope.
*A lot more in my heart <3
*Blessings that are to come.

Solitude

Wearing jeans, and happily so, I drove up Big Cottonwood canyon this morning (Saturday, 8/29) to the Garbett's cabin in Solitude. There, in the beautiful setting of the mountains, and surrounded by forest (much like my home in Washington where I grew up), my family gathered to honor my father and celebrate his life.

The peaceful drive by myself listening to piano music and soaking in every bit of the gorgeous canyon and rushing water calmed me immensely. I feel like it prepared me for closure. Not "getting" to see either of my parents after they passed away is okay with me. But these meetings with my family are my healing, enabling me to let go and be at peace. This one in particular--surely so much of it being that I was so pleased to be in jeans =o)--was soul-filling. It was comfortable. We cried, but we also laughed. It was perfect.

I cannot express to you how much I love my parents. They were not perfect. But they were the perfect parents for me. They loved God and they loved each other--they were devoted to Him and each other always. They loved me unconditionally.

I realized this powerfully when one day last year a friend asked me, (in reference to a conference he'd gone to and was trying to explain to me) "...For instance, what did you feel like you had to do to be loved/accepted by your dad?" I thought. I thought. "...Nothing." My friend needed a response of some sort to go on with his point and he asked again, kind of incredulously. "Nothing," I said again. "Maybe...(in an effort to give him something to work with)...be smart. But...really. Nothing. He always loved me. I didn't have to do or be anything other than who I am." And I meant it. And I realized powerfully then that I have been blessed with unconditional love from my parents. Even on the hard days, or in our imperfect interactions in our relationship, I knew they loved me. I knew it.

And I know they knew I loved (love) them. Aaron, my brother, said today that even if we didn't send that last card, even if we didn't go visit that last time...he knew we love him. (Nice to hear, as I found a card the other day that I meant to send him for Father's Day this year...a little girl's feet on her dad's feet as he danced..."You've been a wonderful father every step of the way!"...the perfect card that I wanted him to have.)

What a gift.

I got this message today from an old friend in my single's ward in Provo. She didn't know today was dad's memorial, but it came on the perfect day. Forgive me if it seems self-aggrandizing, but it was so perfectly timed, and so fulfilling that things come back around full circle, I just want to share it (and I didn't know back then her feelings on it):

"Subject: To My Beautiful Friend

VeNicia,

"I have learned of your loss through your facebook postings and I wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers. Although we have not spoken in many years I send my love to you and my condolences for the loss of your parents.

"Another reason for this message is because on April 15, 2000 you presented me with a book that you had made (called Nicia's Mark, like Hallmark :)) and you sent it around our ward for people to sign as I had lost my grandfather whom I loved dearly. As I write this I am looking at it as I have kept it all these years. It is so very dear to my heart and has brought me so much comfort. It was also of great comfort for me when my mother passed away a year later.

"The theme for the book was based on a General Conference given by President Monson entitled Think to Thank, October 1998. I wish to share the same story to you:

"The little toy dog is covered with dust,
But sturdy and staunch he stands;
And the little toy soldier is red with rust,
And his musket moulds in his hands.
Time was when the little toy dog was new,
And the soldier was passing fair,
And that was the time when our Little Boy Blue
Kissed them and put them there.
"Now, don't you go till I come," he said,
"And don't you make any noise!"
So toddling off to his trundle-bed
He dreamt of the pretty toys.
And as he was dreaming, an angel song
Awakened our Little Boy Blue,--
Oh, the years are many, the years are long,
But the little toy friends are true!
Ay, faithful to Little Boy Blue they stand,
Each in the same old place,
Awaiting the touch of a little hand,
The smile of a little face.
And they wonder, as waiting the long years through,
In the dust of that little chair,
What has become of our Little Boy Blue
Since he kissed them and put them there.

"The little toy dog and the soldier fair may wonder, but God in His infinite mercy has not left grieving loved ones to wonder. He has provided truth. He will inspire an upward reach, and His outstretched arms will embrace you. Jesus promises to one and all who grieve, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you not as the world giveth, I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid."-John 14:27.

"I hope the message you shared with me over 9 years ago will offer you comfort as it continues to do for me today.

"VeNicia, know that you are loved by so many and your love of life and positive energy inspires and touches everyone who knows you. Thank you for being such a good friend. You have a special place in my heart.

With love,
Regina"

We each take our turns, don't we? I had no idea the heartache she was experiencing, but I saw her in it and had to do something--a book of my art next to that poem seemed so inadequate, but all I could do.

Now I feel that heartache immensely, and am so comforted by her message and the people around me. I am here to tell you that little things, seemingly unrelated things, they matter. They make a difference--a HUGE difference.

I'm learning to trust the promptings I feel in my heart that are from God, as I see other people act on little things and recognizing how impactful they truly are on me during my hard things. I want to err on the side of acting on anything that could be a prompting from God, because if there is any good I can do in this day I aim to do it! And I want Him to trust me, that I will act when He shows me how I can be an instrument in His hands. In this way I am learning the language of revelation. Slowly, but I'm learning it. I want to master it. I want to be a tool in God's hands, worn out in His service. I want Him to keep talking to me, and to do so more. I have lots of questions. I just feel that if I want Him to keep talking with me and answering them, I'd sure better act on the things He's already told me.

I just need to slow down and listen more.

The temple is the perfect place to do that.

I will miss going to the temple with my dad. I feel like I'm postponing bed right now because before bed is when I would call him, every night [almost] after Mama died, and we'd debrief our days and tell each other goodnight. "Thank you for calling me. Don't forget, somebody around here loves you," he would tell me. "I love you, too, Dad." "Call me tomorrow." "I will." "Call me anytime. You are always welcome in my life (what he would always tell my mama). "Thank you, Daddy. I love you."

I miss you so much Dad. I ache to hear your voice. But everyday since I found out you passed away, I can hear you still. I know what you would say. I feel your comfort still. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for always, always loving me. Thank you for being the stalwart example of Faith that I will always look to. I loved your prayers and I will miss them. I loved your stories and poems. I loved your unique way of phrasing things and expressing yourself. I love you immensely. I am proud of you for how much you changed and grew in your lifetime. Even in mine. Especially for being the solid Red that you were =o) I am so happy for you to be with Mama. I will live my life so I will see you again.