Invictus

I'm VERY excited for the movie coming out about Nelson Mandela and post-apartheid South Africa, and wanted to share the poem. Interestingly, two of the last few books I've read made reference to the poem and I made note to read & memorize it...and seeing the movie posters reminded me of that goal. I'll be putting this in my shower sheet protector to memorize this week! :

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley

What a great and beautiful reminder. I've tried my best to rise above the circumstances of the last three years, and I wish I could say I've been a solid, unwavering pillar of strength through it all. But in all honesty, I've felt weathered and beaten down at times.

Some things I've learned:

• Turn to God first, before seeking any other source for solace. "He, only one", can feed and heal my soul to the depths for which I yearn.

• Emotions connected to the hardest times in our lives circle around. I've beaten myself up (as if I haven't inadvertently been beaten up enough) for feeling down *again* about the *same old* things (and as if feeling bad isn't enough, getting mad at yourself for feeling bad doesn't do any good, either). Ideally, however, the circling around is just further and further apart, and lighter and lighter each time. But having them circle around, in and of itself, is normal. For instance: I think I will miss my parents with an ache of sadness forever. I just didn't get them long enough. I miss them more than I can possibly express. I miss their unconditional love. But I believe, particularly after this first holiday season without either of them, that the aching will be lighter and further apart. Missing them, however, that will just be a part of my life.

• "[I] have been blessed with angels in the flesh", the phrase that came so distinctly and powerfully to my mind, and I know it was the Spirit teaching me. Answers have not come in the way I've asked. (I've learned to ask differently--with more open-ended, "answers will vary", acceptance of God's will vs. mine.) My mom never has come to me. But I know I don't need miraculous experiences to Know. And I do know. God lives. Times can be hard, but He never leaves us comfortless. The trick is to be open. To look, upward, like the beautiful Evergreen Christmas tree from my parent's house that I'm sitting by--always green ("the color of life", my dad would proudly say about our last name) and always reaching upward, every pine reaching out. WE are angels to each other. We need to be alert, we need to know each other, we need to be close to the spirit, we need to listen and "Act on all impressions to do good" (Camilla Kimball <3).

• He sends frequent, though little, witnesses of His love. A lot. Multiple times a day. To the eyes that will see, and the ears that will hear, and mostly...to the hearts that will feel. I love in The Count of Monte Cristo (the movie) where Edmond Dantes, once so wide-eyed excited about life, faithful and so endearingly guileless, begins to turn His back on God, embittered by his undeserved pain and anguish of soul. (That might sound funny so far, but that's not the part I love...I'm getting there =o) ) He even shuns his fiancee, and the sweet love they once shared so uninhibitedly. In one of my favorite scenes, as Edmond in his anguish is verbally shoving aside the very things he wants most--the returned feeling of God's providence & the love of his girl--she responds lovingly and beautifully, gently censuring: "God is everywhere!" And eventually he softens and asks forgiveness for being so embittered, (I think he should have done it *before* he sought out all that revenge, however that just would not make for such an interesting book or movie, I must admit! =o) ), recognizing that God never left him alone. Tender mercies were everywhere. Especially in the unexpected friendship of the priest (Richard Harris! The first and best Dumbledore!). I love it!!

• Through everything that has happened, I've learned that I have within me an "unconquerable soul". I don't know how, and I am, in my surprise, grateful, because I think it's a gift. Goethe says, looking out at the fruit trees in winter, "Who would think those branches would turn green again and blossom? But we hope it; we know it." I AM GREEN, inside, where it counts, beyond the periodic seemingly deadness of my branches, I know my life is turning green again. I hope it; I know it!